I have been reviewing some of the original Whinetimealicious.com blogs from 2017/2018…
I must admit there are a few I scratched my head and asked myself “huh?”, a few that received a big ol’ eye roll and quite a few that have made me chuckle!
They have each served as a valuable reminder that we must embrace who we are at that time and in that place of life. I will share the old as well as the new.
The first of the oldies but goodies retrieved are…”Two Queens and Their Three Merry Maidens” followed by “I gotta hang up, you’ve given me a migraine.”
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Two Queens and Their Three Merry Maidens
11/6/2017
I used to love an evening on the town. (Now, my favorite place to go is the back porch or to sleep) But there is one rare evening when we ventured out on the town that will live in infamy. Well, at least in our minds.
The team of senior citizens was made up of May Nell, Mary Louise and Myself (the three merry maidens) along with Bert and Colin (The two queens, our chauffeurs and tour guides). By the way, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. LOL!
We got dressed to the nines. I even wore one of Mamma's Kentucky Derby hats I inherited after her passing. This was truly a first. We got to experience The Birdcage! (Ya' know, the movie with Robin Williams, Nathan Lane and Gene Hackman.) The one where Agador Spartucus says, "I don't wear shoes...they make me fall down."
Anyway, I saw Adele and Cher and there was more fashion sense and eyelash extensions in that establishment than I'd ever seen. So...it went like this. Bert found a table for us front and center stage. We settled in to watch some wonderful performances and sang along as The Pointer Sisters belted out "We are family, I got all my sisters with me..."; and The Weather Girls "It's rainin' men".
Colin and Mary Louise were throwing down dance moves like it was 1969 Woodstock again. I was conversing with a fellow patron when I saw May Nell stumble and fall. I was afraid she had now broken a hip since she had just had a knee replacement several months prior. I jumped into action grande jete-ing in front of the stage across the dance floor running to the rescue. Then it went from bad to worse, attempting to help May Nell up I, too, was overtaken by gravity.
We all lost something that evening...Colin lost his wallet, Mary Louise lost her cell phone, I lost Mamma's hat, May Nell lost her balance and Bert, well, poor Bert, lost any dignity he may remotely have had left.
Although Colin did locate his wallet and May Nell has maintained her equilibrium and balance over the years; Mary Louise never found her go-phone and Mamma's hat has yet to be found. But I suspect it's being adorned with pride at a Birdcage-like performance in the big D.
"If it wasn't for the ‘pirin tablets, I don't think I could go on."- Albert "It's aspirin with the -as- scraped off." -Armand, The Birdcage
Quote of the day: "Relax! You can't screw up her hair. Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet."- Shelby, Steel Magnolias
I gotta hang up; You've given me a migraine!
I gotta hang up; You've given me a migraine!
11/3/2017
Nothing says, "I care" quite like talking with a family member about a life event only to be interrupted with, "OK...bottom line, bottom line...what's the bottom line?" My Daddy and brother, both southern lawyers, have mastered the art of getting to the bottom line. My husband says, "brevity is the key". It amazes me how a simple "yes, no, not yet" works for him.
I, on the other hand, along with many women and my good friend, Colin, struggle with such a concept. For them it's like a railroad track traveling in a straight line from point A to point B with no distractions in between. For the rest of us, it's more like 40 tracks merging into the rail yard and branching out in 77 different directions. Or tree branches or a bowl of spaghetti noodles...we just want to make SURE you understand the whole story with added and extremely crucial and necessary creativity, color and flare...and most of the time forget what we were talking about in the first place.
One of my dearest memories was driving down I-55 in Mississippi when my attorney brother pulled off the interstate while I was in the middle of a tale of woe. He asked me if I watched the show "West Wing", (No, I thought, but I do like Will & Grace reruns)...Well, you should. I love ya', you're my little sister, but for God sakes you have GOT to learn to condense your sentences to ten words or less! And stop putting all those exclamation points after every sentence. You think you're still a cheerleader?!!!"
And nothing quite says "I love you" like when I would call Daddy, my strength, my rock, a man of wisdom who certainly should know all the answers to life, only to be told, "I gotta hang up; you've given me a migraine." Or when your grown children stare at you and ask, "So, Mom, exactly what does Steve's 5th cousin Stewey and his wife Ming Lu have to do with the lady you met at the checkout line at Walmart?" "Bless their hearts, they just don't know any better.
" Quote of the day: "Ouizer, you know I love ya' more than my luggage."
Oh, What Would Mama Say............
Keep in mind this was the very first attempt at venturing out of my comfort zone and writing a blog back in 2017…An attempt to turn lemons into lemonade or even better…a lemon drop martini…😊
So, here we go... After an enriching and fulfilling day touring vineyards in Italy, I pour a glass of the finest fermented grapes and settle back to take in the beauty surrounding me. I stare into the breathtaking Tuscan sunset...Ahhh, I think to myself, how could a girl possibly wish for more...my thoughts are abruptly interrupted with a screeching voice, "Blah Blah, you get outta that street right now before I whoop you!" I quickly return to reality. Yes, it's the mobile home trailer park across the way. One of these lovely structures holds a special place in my heart. There are superhero bath towels serving as drapes in the windows...And Spiderman is staring back at me.
The lovely glass of wine I poured came from a bag in a box. "yep, gotta slap the bag!" (A quip my friends and I say/do on our river floating trips in south Texas.) And do they not hear the burglar alarm horn sounding off in their car? After endless minutes of that, I break out into an expressive dance routine choreographed to the rhythmical blaring of the horn. Good grief, an auto thief would have made it to Pluto by now!
How did this happen? Somewhere along the way I took a right at Albuquerque instead of a left as Bugs Bunny used to say. Most people start at the bottom and work their way to the top. I, on the other hand, have added a bit of flare to this concept by living it in reverse. Yep, instead of rags to riches, it's been a riveting journey of riches to rags. Character builder is what “they” tell me.
I have cornered the market and can write "The Official Field Guide to making less than ideal life decisions. “Oh, and thank you, Daddy, for that expensive private prep school and college education you provided. It's really paying off! LOL! Keeping one's sense of humor is crucial at times like this. I have temporarily put my 35-year career on hold and let go of my role as a Corporate Wellness Program Director (a program I developed implemented, managed and enjoyed for the last 15 years) to care for a struggling family member. I have, on the other hand, maintained all my certifications and credentials up to date...worked too many years to let that go! Whew!
I have now taken on a position as a substitute teacher...I never knew 5th graders could be so terrifying! Then I realized it has officially happened...I AM THAT old lady sitting behind a desk with a dress, pearl necklace and reading glasses! And a class of 20-five-year-olds...well, there just aren't enough words to describe the exhaustion that ensues after an 8 hour day of "teacher, teacher, teacher", Russell and his fascination with the electric pencil sharpener, objects flying through the air, students randomly falling over in their chairs, glue sticks galore, slivers of construction paper, potty breaks, trips to the school nurse, and the precious art of tattle telling...It's like herding cats! And how many books and craft projects about apples are there? And what happened to chalkboards? I'm already technologically challenged. It's a total blow to one's ego when a five-year-old takes lunch count and can operate that Promethean board thinga-ma-bob.
Now, Special Needs classes (an area very near and dear to my heart) is beyond rewarding. Pure souls. I learn more from those students than I could possibly teach them. A day in Special Ed not only gives the teacher(s) wings and a halo; it puts all the silly crappage we worry about into perspective.
So... what would my epitome of a southern belle and steel magnolia Mamma say? Well, besides maybe "Uh, I told ya’so", she would probably say "Daaaaahlin' you just stand up straight and smile pretty, ‘cuz this too shall pass."
Quote of the day: "I'm not crazy M'Lynn, I've just been in a very bad mood for forty years!"- Steel Magnolias/ Ouizer
This is dedicated to our precious Gram who left this earthly life just a few days before her 93rd birthday in May 2026.
We miss so very much!
I am honored to have had her in my life and to call her my friend.
G.R.A.M. Never a bore at 84!
G.R.A.M. 5/9/18
Gram: To know her is to love her Gregarious, Generous, and Gorgeous inside and out, an outRageous sense
of humor, Amazing and Astonishing beyond words Magnificent Hot Mess And in the words of Ousier
Boudreaux/ Steel Magnolias…” too twisted for color tv!”
With fermented grapes or, in Gram's case,
fermented potatoes, we toast your upcoming birthday. A day which is sure to live in infamy!
So…here’s to the lady who has endured unimaginable loss, illness, marriages, divorces, births, rowdy
kids, obnoxious adults, “rebbin’” truck motors on Muffler Island, shirtless landlords, peeling out in the
driveway to “My Way”, prank phone calls, cartwheels, splits, loud music AND have added laughs and
flare to each of our lives… May you continue to get down like a Brick House to Uptown Funk, rock out to
Pink Floyd, snapchat to your hearts content, sing along to the King, Frank, Patsy and, of course, our own
beloved guitar playing resident lumbar jack with his neon and beer! Never a bore at 84...Rock on young
lady!
Quote: “That cop didn’t even stop to help…he passed her faster than a case of the clap.”-The one and
only… Gram! LOL
